589.15 Galactic Reckoning. The Agse sector. The Greftes ae Tors system. A dangerous star on the border of the Galactic United Protectorate Alliance Republic. For here is where many space pirates and bandits make their lairs. Being among a major shipping route, yet far away from the Space Police, these bandits pillage merchant vessels and civilian ships.
But, there are those who fight back against these nefarious pirates. We turn our attention to one such brave hero. Captain of the Starship AwesomeSauce, it is none other than legendary Space Ranger GALAXY GARY, champion of good, and foe of evil!
And wherever GALAXY GARY goes, he is sure to be followed by his loyal crew. Beautiful and intelligent Space Damsel #17, and Bolthead the robot.
"Stay frosty, crew! Space Pirates are known for their cunning and deviant ways!" proclaimed GALAXY GARY.
Bolthead spoke up, "Query: We are hunting space pirates for the bounty, affirmative?"
"Indeed," GALAXY GARY heroically declared, "For the pursuit of Justice is noble, and we shall punish those wrongdoers who dare prey on the innocent."
"By which you mean you need a quick inflow of credits before all your bills, including my pay, are due by the end of the weekcycle," Space Damsel #17 said, rather unamused.
"Well, err... This hero business is expensive, you know, Space Damsel #17!"
"I've told you before, my name is Angie. And I can tell it's expensive! You couldn't even afford to buy me a full outfit!"
Space Damsel #17 gestured to her Space Damsel outfit. A shiny blue sleeveless and backless top that cut off just below #17's ample bosoms. Her shimmering thigh-high boots reached up her smooth silky legs. She was wearing a small blue miniskirt, just barely covering the... err... biker shorts underneath.
"You know, Space Damsel #17..." declared GALAXY GARY, before #17 cut him off.
"... #17, I've been meaning to talk to you about your outfit..."
"For the LAST TIME, I am NOT wearing panties with a skirt this small!"
"But you're a Space Damsel! Biker shorts just don't fit the part! How can you be an effective damsel without the proper getup?"
"And your pompous red outfit is so much better? For god's sakes, man! That style's been out of fashion for the last 100 yearcycles!"
"Why, this outfit is unique! It lets the scum of the galaxy know that they face off with none other than GALAXY GARY, champion of the cosmos!"
"Yeah, yeah, sure. You just couldn't afford a decent outfit. You know, if you really wanted to save some money, why don't you fire that guy!"
"Which guy?" questioned GALAXY GARY heroically.
"Him! That guy you hired to narrate!"
"Yes, you! Why the hell do we need somebody to stand around and prattle off what's going on around here? And why does he have to spend so much time describing my almost outfit and boobs?"
"Now, now, Space Damsel #17..."
"... The Narrator serves an important part! I can't be the heroic GALAXY GARY without a narrator to heroically scribe my deeds for future generations!"
Space Damsel #17...
... overcome with frustration at the captain's heroic ways, proceeded to bang her head on the control console.
"This is what I get for dropping out of college."
Time passes onboard the ship, as the AwesomeSauce continues to keep a sharp lookout for any space pirates that may be lurking.
"*Sigh* I'm going to the bathroom. Bolthead, watch the console, would you?"
"Acceptance: I shall, Space Damsel #17."
"Good lord, does noone know my name around here?"
And so, Space Damsel #17 heroically strode off the bridge towards the lavatories.
"Heroically strode off? I'm going to the john, how heroic can that be?"
"#17," announced GALAXY GARY, "No talking to the Narrator! It ruins the setup."
"God, I should've listened to my mother..."
Again, time passes onboard the AwesomeSauce, as the crew maintains a sharp lookout for space pirates.
*BWEEP* *BWEEP* *BWEEP*
GALAXY GARY jumped to attention in his captain's chair. "Bolthead, report!"
"Analysis: Large object attached to hull of ship. Readings indicate small pirate burrow-worm vessel. Hull penetrated."
"What? How did they sneak up on us?"
"Answer: vessel hid behind passing asteroid, then moved towards us. Noted vessel's presence over the past two minutes and thirty-five seconds."
"What? Then why didn't you say anything?"
"Answer: Was not ordered to report any approaching vessels. Merely ordered to watch console. Console successfully watched. Console successful in detecting vessel."
"... *Sigh* never mind. Come on, Bolthead! We have to stop these pirates before they take our vessel!"
"Confirmation: At once, captain!"
Meanwhile, within the AwesomeSauce, a small band of vile space pirates sulks through the corridors. In their clutches is their prize catch: Space Damsel #17. Her wrists have been shackled behind her back by electro-cuffs, while cable-cuffs hobble her legs together.
"Arr, this be almost as fine catch as this 'ere Ship, once we take out the crew," snarls one of the repulsive pirates.
"*Sigh* My life just keeps getting better and better," mutters Space Damsel #17. "Are you going to force yourself and your entire crew on me now?"
"Hell, no! This isn't some filthy smut story! We're trying to keep it clean, or at least PG-17. Maybe touch the A rating, but definitely no X-rated stuff. That's just gross!"
"Andrew, We've told ye before, we're pirates! 'Ere`s yer accent?"
"Oh, give it up, guys," Andrew stated, "You sound ridiculous! And the outfits are even more ridiculous! We got these hats from a costume shop, and it shows!"
"So what DO you bunch of goofs intend to do with me?"
The despicable pirate outlined his awful scheme to poor, helpless Space Damsel #17. "Arr, we be sellin' ye off as slave labour, t' work in th' dirt farms or salt mines fer th' rest o' yer life!"
Space Damsel #17 wailed at her impending fate!
"Meh. Sold as a slave? Hell, might be a step up from 'Space Damsel.' I bet I'll get some better clothes, at least. And maybe more respect."
I said Space Damsel #17 WAILED at her impending fate!
"Err... Who be that voice I hear o'er th' intercom?"
"Oh, that's the Narrator. Our captain actually pays a guy to read out our life and describe the setting. He's probably just watching us over the security system. Really annoying."
But the dastardly space pirates assured the helpless #17 that there would be no escape, causing her to cry out for a hero.
"Oh, another benefit. I won't have to hear this twit try and dictate my actions anymore."
"Yer name be Space Damsel #17?"
"My name is Angie, it's just that nobody on this ship sees me as anything other than a pair of tits and legs, so they don't see any need to call me by name."
"Aye, that be disgraceful! No respect for the womenfolk!"
"HOLD, VILE FIENDS!"
Suddenly, from out of a side passage, brave GALAXY GARY leapt out, his trusty laser pistol in hand, pointed at the pirate scum.
"Ha! You pirates are surrounded! Give up while you can!" GALAXY GARY heroically declared at the pirates.
"Surrounded? There's ONE of you! And five of us! Plus, we have the hostage!"
"Clam it, Bob!"
"That be One-eyed Bob, t' you!"
"You have two eyes, you're just wearing a stupid eyepatch! Which does nothing but kill your depth perception, I may add!" Andrew shook his head in exasperation.
Space Damsel #17 commented, "You know, despite the fact we just met and you bound me up, I feel a strange sort of kinship with you, Andrew."
GALAXY GARY interrupted with brave dictation, "Release Space Damsel #17, fiends, and I may go easy on you!"
"Again, I remind you that there are FIVE of us! Two with laser pistols, and three with plasma rifles. We outnumber, and outgun you!" Andrew attempted to threaten GALAXY GARY, to no avail.
"Ah-ha!" GALAXY GARY stated, "That means the advantage is mine! You'd need twice that number just to be a threat!"
Silence reigned over the pirates, as they contemplated their unfortunate situation.
It was Space Damsel #17 who broke the silence with a plea.
"Could somebody please shoot him? So I don't have to put up with his idiocy anymore?"
But then, the moment GALAXY GARY had been waiting for arrived! For at that moment, on the other side of the pirates, Bolthead the robot charged at the ragtag bunch!
Surprised from the backside, GALAXY GARY saw his opportunity, and also charged!
One pirate with a laser pistol fired a shot at GALAXY GARY, but GALAXY GARY effortlessly dodged the blast and kicked the gun out of the fiend's hand!
Another pirate with presence fired a blast of plasma at Bolthead. Though it struck and sizzled away a sizeable chunk of his chest, it barely stopped him as Bolthead hefted two pirates in the air and bashed them together, knocking them out.
Two pirates ganged up on GALAXY GARY, swinging fists and the butts of their weapons at him. GALAXY GARY blocked and dodged the assault, until he saw his opening, delivering an open palm strike to the Solar Plexus of one rogue, and delivering a devastating round-house kick to the side of the other villain.
The last pirate, seeing an opportunity, attempted to fire a laser shot into the back of GALAXY GARY, but Bolthead grabbed his pistol, crumpling it. With his other metal hand, Bolthead picked up the pirate by the collar of his outfit, and
reintroduced him to the floor at high velocity!
The five seedy criminals now lay strewn about, beaten by none other than the amazing GALAXY GARY!
"You can relax now, Space Damsel #17! You are free!" GALAXY GARY reassured the shaken Damsel.
"Damn, thought I might have had a chance at a better life there."
"Anyways, Bolthead! Help me get these villainous rabble into the prison cells! No doubt they will fetch a bounty! And fix the hole in our ship caused by their vessel. But keep the burrow-worm. We can sell it for scrap!"
"Now, then, Space Damsel #17! Report back to the bridge and set a course for the Nisoc system!"
"But, Captain, I..."
GALAXY GARY proudly strode off, mightily lugging two of the space pirates towards the prison cells, while Bolthead carted the other three.
"Captain, I... I'm still shackled... You idiot."
Space Damsel #17 sighed as she hobbled her way back to the bridge.